Irrevocably Always
by zoezeekay
Summary: One-shot. Naomi and Emily are broken up. How do you mend what's broken?


Naomi's POV

_Emily's POV_

I lurk in the corner, hiding in the shadows, nursing a bottle of vodka.

I take a large slurp of the bitter liquid, it lighting a path of fire as it slides down my throat.

My eyes are trained on her.

How can she be so carefree? Doesn't she know what day it is?

I can't tear my eyes away. How could I? She's completely and utterly captivating.

Even though looking at her physically pains me I won't, can't look away.

The way her clothes subtly hint at her curves. How her hair shines brightly under the light. How her eyes sparkle with laughter. The way her hips move to the beat.

My heart beats erratically, for her. Always for her.

I've never loved anyone else. Not even come close. And I never will. She will forever consume me in every way.

If only she knew.

_I feel her._

_I ignore it._

_I always feel her. She thinks she's so clever, so covert. Not realizing that I am attuned to everything about her. I know her, everything about her._

_Doesn't she realise?_

_I keep dancing. Trying to do all the things I know drive her crazy but ignoring her all the same._

_Wouldn't want her to know how much I care. How much I want to drive her crazy. How much I relish the fact that she notices me every second of everyday._

_Cook is being a prick as per usual, but a loveable prick. I laugh at his inane silliness. I laugh harder at JJ trying to stop him. Stop Cook? He's an immoveable force._

_I look around the room. My heart warms when I see Panda and Thomas totally wrapped up in each other. You'd be hard pressed to find two people who were more different but totally perfect for each other._

_Continuing around the room I see Katie feeling the immense muscles of a brawny guy. She's smiling. It's nice to see her happy._

_Off to the side of the room Efs and Freds are giggling wildly together, both completely off their tits. _

_Whatever Cook gave us tonight certainly did the trick. It's been a night of epic proportions._

_And then just for the slightest fleeting second my eyes meet hers and I'm almost frozen. Her eyes are so intense, so full of feeling. I almost run over to her in that second._

_Instead I calmly continue until I am facing Cook and JJ again, not wanting her to know exactly how much she affects me._

I can't stand this anymore.

I feel as if the walls are closing in on me.

I can barely breathe.

I need to get out of here right now or I might-no, I will fall apart.

One mere glance of her beautiful, wide eyes and this is how I react. Fuck, fuck, fuck. How weak is this?

I get up carefully, slowly, knowing if I rise too fast I'll keel over and most likely be sick. I've drunk almost a whole bottle of vodka.

My movements are slow, deliberate. I just concentrate on putting on foot in front of the other. It's all my brain can handle in my very inebriated state.

A hand claps me on the shoulder and I feel every shock from it running right down to my toes. Shit I'm fucked, totally off my face, on vodka of all things. What a fucking lightweight I am these days. Ever since-no, I cannot go there right now.

Slowly I turn around and I am surprised to find myself looking up Freds' tanned face. I look behind him, see Effy studying him intently and suddenly I understand.

"Mmm?" I cock an eyebrow at him.

"You right Naomi? You don't look very well."

I laugh, more bitterly than I meant to. "Don't know when I turned into such a fucking lightweight."

He smiles, it doesn't totally reach his eyes. "You right to get home?"

"Yeah, yeah," I wave him off. "Don't worry about me. I'll be right. Just need to get home, get to bed, you know?"

"If you're sure..." he trails off, his voice unsure.

"Don't trouble yourself Freds."

"You're not trouble Naomi. Okay?" his eyes pierce into my own. I've never realised how intense his eyes can be. I'm a little shocked.

"Mmm. Right. If you say so."

"Naomi," he looks me hard in the eyes. "Just because you and Ems...well it doesn't mean we care about you any less."

"Could have fooled me," my voice harbours bitterness. I didn't want friends, didn't need them and then suddenly I had some, now I do need them, want them.

"Katie," he sighs. "Ignore her. Everybody else does. Even Ems," he says her name so quietly, as if hearing it will break me.

"Right. Well...I'm off then. Over and out."

"I'll walk you."

I wave him off, "No need. Stay. Have fun."

He looks around, laughing a little, "Don't know if you've noticed but the party's pretty much over. We were about to leave anyway," his head cocking towards Effy who has miraculously sidled up beside him.

I'm about to open my mouth but Effy gets in before me, "Don't argue. We're dragging you home. You can walk, barely. Don't be a twat Naomi."

"Fine," I huff, knowing it's pointless to fight Effy at this point. I'm too fucking drunk to try, to care. I just want to get out of here. Talking to Freds has wasted time. The walls are uncomfortably close now.

_Out of the corner of my eyes I watch the interaction between Naomi and Freddie, then Effy as well. I seem them practically drag her out the door. Christ, how much did she have to drink tonight?_

_I steal my way over to the corner where she was sat and she the almost empty bottle lying on the dirty floor. It was full just a few hours ago._

_It's her standard operating procedure. Shut everyone out, let vodka, lots of it, in. She'll fucking drink herself to death one day._

_My heart is speeding up, racing in fact._

_I know why she does this. And it kills me. If only she weren't so goddamn stubborn. There would be no need for it. It wouldn't be like this._

_I distract myself for the next hour. Talking to Jay, dancing madly with Cook, gossiping with Katie, who tries to introduce this girl to me. Katie, introducing a girl to me. It's like I'm living in an alternate universe._

_A year ago that concept would have been a cruel joke, a slap in the face. Today Katie truly means it, really wants me to be happy._

_Unfortunately Natalie, the quiet brunette just doesn't light my fire. Not even in the slightest. I can tell they're both disappointed._

_The brawny guy Katie was with before reappears. Introduces himself to me, shakes my hand._

_His hair is jet black, his skin olive, smooth and his eyes kind. Luca...Italian perhaps? He seems to really like Katie. I'm glad. She deserves a little happiness._

_They're going to get gelato. His parents own an Italian restaurant. They ask me to come. But I don't want to crash their personal party._

_I make my excuses, tired, the usual bullshit. I say goodbye to the rest of the gang, well those who remain and leave._

_Fuck, its cold outside. I stupidly didn't bring a jacket. But I probably would have lost it inside anyway._

_I run my hands up and down my arms in a feeble attempt to warm myself up. It's futile. So I don't bother, just grin and bear the shitty English cold, even as we knock on summer's door. Thank fuck it's not winter._

_Meandering down the gritty streets of Bristol, I can't help my mind wandering to Naomi._

_It's been three months since we spoke._

_Literally since the day we broke up neither of us have uttered a single word to each other. Not even a muttered "hello" or "how are you?"_

_All we do is look at each other. Well Naomi stares. I look, barely. It hurts, the immense pain still fresh as the day it all ended in my heart._

_She barely speaks, to anyone. She comes out, only to lurk in the corner, nursing a bottle of vodka. She never dances, socialises._

_I've never seen her so wasted as I did tonight. She stumbled in to the party, already buzzed. A spliff perhaps, she walked in with Efs after all. But probably alcohol too, more vodka._

_I'm worried about her._

_Why did she drink so much? Get so fucked up? Why tonight?_

_And it hits me like a tonne of bricks._

_I stumble, reaching out to a lamp post to steady myself._

_I know. I know why._

_I need to get to her now. Before she does even more damage to herself._

Freds and Efs literally had to drag me upstairs to my room. Embarrassing.

I'll have to buy them some spliff. To say thanks, sorry, for everything over the last few months.

They deposited me onto my bed where I still lie. I got up briefly only once I was sure they had left, to retrieve my last bottle of vodka from my closet.

Over the last half hour or so I've steadily drunk about a third of the bottle.

A lopsided grin washes over my face. I'm getting to the place where I've almost forgotten about everything, especially about her. I'll only need a little more to push me over the edge to oblivion.

I know it's silly to drink, well to continue drinking. But I can't stop today.

I have my reasons.

_I sprint to her yellow house as fast as my legs and more importantly, my stomach will allow me to._

_I have to stop a few times, clutching at the growing stitch in my side, breathing deeply to stop myself from vomiting._

_And then finally I reach her lovely little house. I feel less anxious already._

_I reach behind the pot plant for the key hanging off a piece of string. I quietly open the door, so quietly I surprise myself, and creep upstairs, avoiding the stairs that creek._

_I stand outside her door, suddenly very nervous. I reach out to grasp the door handle, my hand shakes._

_I give the door the slightest of pushes, opening it only enough so I can slide into her room, her sanctuary._

_She's lying, sprawled out on her bed, another vodka bottle cradled in her hand._

_The sight breaks the last remaining pieces of my heart._

_My nose sniffles a little._

_A tear slides down my face, no doubt leaving a trail of blackness in its wake._

A sniffle. Not my own. My body stiffens.

Someone is in my room.

Probably Efs, coming to check on me. Nosy cow.

I lift myself up slowly, about to tell her where the fuck to go when I look up.

My breath catches in my throat. My eyes widen.

A soft, "Oh," escapes my throat.

Out of everyone I never expected it to be her. I don't know what to do.

"Um," wow, creative speech there Naomi. I try again. "Hello?" my voice comes out, barely a whisper.

"Um. Yeah. Um...shit, sorry. Hi," her voice at its husky best, making me feel weak. This cannot be real.

"What are you doing here?" I blurt out roughly, with more force than I meant. "Sorry, I just...how come...?" I trail off weakly.

"Well I, I was um worried about you. You seemed pretty out of it when you left, that's all."

"Right. Well Freds and Efs were there to take care of me," like I wish you would, I add silently.

"Yeah. Right. Well just wanted to check you were okay."

"I'm fine," I say carefully, hoping my face won't betray me.

"Yeah. I see that. Well I'll go then," she says awkwardly.

NO! Don't go, I cry out in my head, never voicing the words, just watching her go.

I stare at the door, wishing she would come back in.

She does.

_I go back in._

_I can't leave without saying something about her drinking. I can't._

_No matter how much has passed between us. I still care. I will always care._

_She's staring at me._

_I clear my throat, "Naomi." I stop to take a breath, "Your drinking. You need to stop. It's too much. You'll hurt yourself."_

_Her eyes challenge me, flashing with mild anger. "Well it's none of your business."_

"_Yes it is."_

"_No. I ended it Emily. That tends to mean you are no longer required to give a shit about me."_

"_Well I fucking do okay?"_

_She looks shocked. Her mouth moves, no sound escaping, for a few seconds. Then she regains her composure, "Well I officially let you off the hook."_

_I see a flash of something in her eyes, betraying her every word. I shake my head, "You don't get to choose what I think, what I feel. And I think you need to stop drinking so much. I feel worried about you. I know why you're doing it Naomi."_

_She looks shocked. "You do?" she chokes, incredulous._

How can she have any idea why?

The way she was tonight. If she had any idea then she wouldn't have been like that.

She looks me in the eye, walks over, sits down beside me.

She takes my hand in hers, a shock shoots through my body. I feel alive for the first time in months.

"Mmm?" I can't manage words while she is touching me.

"I know what day it is."

I'm floored. "You do?" I whisper.

"It's the day. Our day. Well, what should be our day."

She knows. Oh god, she knows. But that's even worse. She knows and it means nothing to her. At least if she forgot I could pretend it would mean something. But now...

"A year," she breathes, shaking her head. "I can't believe it." She looks at me, "This was meant to be our day Naomi. I wish it was our day," she looks wistful.

I take my hand out of hers. I can't think straight while she's touching me. Pretend not to notice the hurt cross her face. "It's not though."

"Whose fault is that? It could have been. If only you believed."

I did, I do believe. I believed so much it hurt, that's why I had to stop it, not realising it would hurt even more pretending not to believe. But I can't tell her any of that so instead I say, "It wasn't working Ems. You know it wasn't."

"Only because you didn't want it to," she's getting frustrated now.

"That's not true."

If only she knew how much I wanted it to, still want to. How that consumes every dream, every thought of mine. That she is never out of my mind.

_I'm starting to get angry. There's so much she's not saying. If only she would tell me._

_But she's a closed book, a fortress._

_And I just can't be bothered to try and climb those walls again. It hurts too much._

"_This isn't achieving anything. I'll go. Bye Naomi."_

_I get up. Take two steps when I feel a cold hand tugging on my warm one._

_I turn around now knowing what to think. She's so confusing. Mixed messages, totally all over the shop._

"_Don't go," and she looks so fragile, like she's about to break. "Don't leave me alone. Not tonight. Stay with me. Please," her voice is broken, begging me._

_I know how much it will hurt in the morning but I can't say no._

_I nod, "Okay."_

_She stands up, hugs me. I don't know what to think._

_We strip off to our underwear, neither of us looking at other, hop under her covers, metres apart, each facing the edges of her bed._

_I wake sometime in the night and find her body pressed into mine, her delicate arms wrapped around me, pulling me further into her, nose pressed into my shoulder, her tears half baked onto my back._

I wake pretty early, surprised that my head isn't pounding considering the amount of alcohol I drank last night.

More surprised at the fact I managed to sleep for about six hours, considering the date. Had figured I would spend the night crying and lamenting my sad state of affairs.

Realise I'm not alone.

The events of last night flooding back to me.

Emily turning up in my room. Me begging her to stay.

I feel her stir.

I untangle myself from her quickly.

A minute later her eyes open, wiping the sleep out. "Hi," she breathes. God she's perfect.

"Hi," I croak back, my voice groggy with sleep.

We look at each awkwardly. Neither of us knows what to do.

I decide to break the silence, "I'm going to go have a shower."

Relief passes over her beautiful features, "Well I might get dressed, go while you do that."

"Emily..."

"Yes?"

"Don't go. Stay."

She looks at me confused, "Naomi..."

I sit up, twisting my body to face her and she follows me. "Ems," I begin.

"Nai," my heart flutters as my pet name crosses her lips.

"I'm sorry," I'm suddenly feeling brave. "I'm so, so sorry."

"For what?"

"Ending things. I never should have done it. It was wrong, I was wrong. And I'm sorry."

She looks at me speechless.

"I know this is no excuse but after a while I just felt trapped in our relationship. I loved you so much, so much that it hurt. Every second I felt like the walls were closing in on me, I could barely breathe. I felt like so happy that I wasn't happy anymore. I was petrified. I knew one day you would wake up and realise how amazing you are and leave me. It scared me so much Ems. It felt like someone was squeezing my heart and it hurt, it really fucking hurt Em. I couldn't handle it anymore. I'm weak, I know that. I just never realised how much more it would hurt me, not being with you. You were so mad at me that I knew I couldn't turn around and beg you to come back. And then I got too scared to talk to you, let alone beg for your forgiveness. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," I choke out the last few words. Tears are streaming down my face, my breathing is erratic.

I look at her. She stares back.

"Ems. Please say something," I whisper.

_I'm stunned._

_When Naomi broke up with me I was stunned. We were, well I thought, so happy._

_And there she goes, finally, telling me why it all had to end._

"_Naomi why didn't you tell me this? Talk to me? I would have listened."_

_Her face is pained, "I was scared, like you can't even believe how scared I was. I wanted to tell you so badly. But I thought you would just laugh in my face."_

"_I would never. Naomi, never believe that," I reach over and brush away her tears with the pad of the thumb._

"_I know that now," she looks down, not meeting my eyes. "God I was so stupid. Fucking hell."_

"_Stop," I push her chin up so our eyes meet. "I can't say I'm not mad-no that's not the right word...disappointed, yes, disappointed that you didn't tell me, talk to me but just promise me this time you'll do that, okay?"_

"_Of course. Of course. I promise. Wait...this time? What do you mean?" Her eyes peer into mine, hopeful._

"_I mean let's give it another go. Only this time we talk, we communicate, every ugly detail."_

_I'm thrown back into the mattress as Naomi envelopes me in a hug. She is kissing me all over in a frenzy, everywhere but my lips where I long to feel her most._

_I push her back slightly. She looks put out. She's pouting, arms cross over her chest._

"_Kiss me," it's not a request, it's an instruction._

_And she does._

This is the start.

It will be different this time.

_I know it will._

_There is no end._

I love her.

Irrevocably.

_I love her._

_Always._


End file.
